My Time of Day is the Dark Time

"Strangers in the night exchanging glances
Wond'ring in the night
What were the chances we'd be sharing love
Before the night was through."
-Frank Sinatra

This song kind of creeps me out. It's a stalker-ish song. The whole part about strangers in the night exchanging glances. Come on now. Who in their right mind exchanges glances with random people in the night? Not I for one. Although, I do enjoy walking around at night, or at least walking home at night.

Now I know that this isn't really normal. I mean, as a woman, it is hard to walk around the streets late at night without thinking about being attacked or raped. This is just how it is. All women will understand this, and I hope that the majority of men understand it too. But as a woman, because we are the "weaker" sex, because we live in a man's world, we have to think about these things. However, I like the night time.

"My time of day is the dark time
A couple of deals before dawn
When the street belongs to the cop
And the janitor with the mop
And the grocery clerks are all gone.

When the smell of the rainwashed pavement
Comes up clean, and fresh, and cold
And the streetlamp light
Fills the gutter with gold"
-Guys and Dolls

This is how I see the night time. Not all the time, but when I am walking home from the bart(train) station or the bus station after a night on the town. It is quiet and there is no one out except me, except the dark and the calm. I want to dance and sing. I want to pretend like I can tap as good as Gene Kelly and swing around the lamp posts, clicking my heels and jumping for joy. Not like Dorthy, but suave and graceful. It is as if I am on a sound stage, that my normal town, that's busy and "real" during the day, becomes a theater by night, becomes the back lot of MGM studio. And who is there to watch me make fool of myself?, no one. It's me and the street, the shadows and the lamp posts.

I like the day. I like the day for its beauty, for the saturation of colors that burst even when it's grey. I like mail boxes, how blue they are, how you can see them a mile away and know it's a mail box. The shape, the contraption, it's all very clever. I like red sweaters and green foliage. That's a generalization. Green foliage could be so much, and is so much. It represents so many textures, so many greens, shades, and shapes. I think my favorite green in nature is moss. I love Irish moss and how it feels. It's soft and seems cozy for some reason. The color is almost as true a green as you can get. I tend to not like lichens as much. At night though, you can't see all of this. The colors are gone, the chaotic noise, the shapes.

I fear the shadows sometimes. I quicken my pace if I feel like someone is behind me. My palms begin to sweat, my heart beats slightly faster. And then I step into the light, the spot in the street where an iridescent yellow illuminates the pavement. It's misty and I can see my breath billowing from my mouth. I stand there watching, watching myself dance circles round and round with ginger rogers in my arms.

"I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
For love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Singing, singing in the rain"
-Singing in the Rain

The Luck of a Shlamazel

(To begin with, for all those non-Jews out there, a shlamazel is someone who has bad luck.)

I hate credit card companies. Or as my friend would say: Shit. Fuck. I hate credit card companies. You have to forgive her she has turrets. A couple of weeks ago my friend was applying for apartments. To do so, as all renters know, you have to fill out a bunch of forms and paperwork about yourself, and then you have to pay the landlord or whoever 20 dollars so they can do a credit check on you to make sure that you can pay the rent. First of all, I have issues with strange people asking me for all my information including my social security number, my credit card number, where I currently live, and my date of birth. Basically they could become me if they wanted to. That aside, I have problems paying for someone to do a credit check on me when I can have one done for free online. I realize that there are issues of fraud here, that if I fake a credit report and really don't have good credit then it sucks for the landlord to deal with. But I hate it anyway. Alas, though, I was not the one being submitted to such torture, but my friend was.

I thank the heavens that I have rarely had to go through such obstacles and devices as these, but when she was having to deal with all this bull, I realized that I probably don't have any credit formed what-so-ever. I have never had a credit card before in my life. I know this is not a huge burden, in fact having a credit card is probably a bigger burden, but as many people have told me "You should get a credit card so you can start building up your credit." It's not that I have never wanted a credit card before. When I was 12 I believe a credit card was the first thing on my Chanuka present list. (This list, unlike children who celebrate Christmas and send their lists off to Santa Claus, got delivered to my parents months and months in advance, and in turn was passed to my grandparents, and anybody else who was getting me something.) My parents however, thought that a debit card would be good enough for me. I was always a big spender, and when tossed off into the wide world of college, they decided that it would be best if I couldn't spend all that I wanted to but rather, that I could only spend what was in the bank and that's it and that's all. So after four years of debit card prison one slowly begins to get used to it. Just spending what one has. I mean it makes sense... Sort of. And since those four years I never saw the point of getting a credit card 'till now.

Because I am a smart shopper, and it is important to research into such things before making a big commitment like a credit card, I attempted to look online for information about credit cards, the different types, the benefits, the draw backs, the mileage, the cash back, the APR, the annual fee, and everything else that goes along with that tiny piece of breakable plastic. Much to my surprse, (note the sarcasm), it was hard to find said information. In fact every site I went to before I could see what was on the page I was trying to read, an ad would pop up. I would click it closed, and it's like a freaking domino effect, 'cause then a billion other pop up windows would appear. And soon I am swimming in pop up ads and can't find the page that I had originally wanted to go to. It's like looking at a porn site (not that I've ever been to one). Wouldn't that be a wonderful ad for credit card companies. "Visit us online. It's like visiting a porn site, except without the naked women." (What's the point?)

Eventually, I did finally get to a site where I could choose which card I wanted. It was a mileage card. I love to travel and I thought, well here's a card that will let me do that more. I can earn miles while buying other stuff. (Really advertisement doesn't affect me at all.) So I click on the card, holding my breath, scared of the pop ups, and then a big *sigh* when a form opens onto my screen. Yay, forms, they are my friends... At least they are better than pop ups. Of course this is before I start filling out the form. Credit card forms are not just forms, but the daddy of all forms. They not only ask you your name and your birthday, but what you ethnically identify yourself as, whether you are male or female, how tall you are, how much you weigh, who your grandma is, what hospital you were born in, the name of your dog, the list goes on forever, or so it seems. (A little exaggeration, but you get the point.) Finally an hour later the form is filled out, and I am thinking to myself, now I am going to start building credit like an adult, so eventually I will be able to get a loan from a bank, and put a down payment on a house in the Bay Area that I will have to spend the rest of my life, my childrens' lives, and my grandchildrens' lives paying off. A big WHOOPEE! I scroll down to the bottom of the screen and click the submit button. It stalls for a second. Normally in this case, I would click the submit button several times more, but afraid of sending my information out there for the whole world to see, I wait patiently for a new window to appear. In a couple minutes one does. This window says thank you for submitting your application for your citi mileage plus card. We will notify you by mail within fourteen days if your application has been accepted. Fourteen days!? After spending an hour filling out a stupid form I have to wait fourteen days. What a crock! So I wait.



Fourteen days later I get a letter in the mail as promised. We are sorry to inform you but you have been rejected for the citi mileage plus card due to lack of credit. Note that I don't have bad credit, just no credit. So in order to get a credit card I have to have credit, but the whole reason I want a credit card is so I can start building good credit because I have no credit, and credit is necessary for one to buy a house that they will spend the rest of their life paying off. What kind of twisted sense is that. I can understand why certain credit cards, for example, the platinum ones with a high balance, would require one to have some credit, but isn't the whole point of a credit card to be able to have money that you don't have yet, but are going to. So I don't see why you need to have good credit to get one because I would think that a credit card company would want you to not be able to pay them back so they can make loads and loads of money on charging you interest. And then when you can't pay them back and they keep asking for it back finally they get to send a collection agency after you and then the collection agency comes and they take all your belongings and you are taken to jail. That is unless you claim bankruptcy, but we don't like to talk about that.

So on this lovely rainy overcast grey day, I applied for another card. Hopefully this one will work out. It is a student card, and I suppose that students, or at least I would think that students, need not have their credit built up yet. They have not ventured into the world, and are far from owning that house on the hill. Damn credit card companies. Fuck. Shit. I have a secret to tell though, I gave them my own little kick in the ass, I lied about my GPA. I have no GPA what was I supposed to do?...

What's Gilbert Grape Eating?

This morning I was scheduled to have brunch with my friend, who was running a little late. We were meeting at Felini, this swank little vegan friendly restaurant near my abode. I go there often: a. because I am vegan and I like the selection they have for vegans, and b. I like the atmosphere of the place. It is very retro Italiano with posters of old 1950's movies on the walls, and black and red booths to sit in. This is not an advertisement, it is just my opinion.

I get there a little before ten, which is usual for my neurotic self, and sit at a table for two, where I can watch everyone eat. The other day when I was at home putzing my friend sends me a link to her blog. Now I am not a blogger, and I read very few blogs, so in hearing this you are welcome to stop reading at any point, but having read her blog, I was inspired to write my own. I don't want to go too far into my writing or lack there of, and how I have tried unsuccessfully multiple times to start a journal, but I see this blog as kind of being that. A journal in which I am allowed to pour my thoughts into, and one, which if I don't visit it often, I don't feel bad. So hopefully, g-d willing, this whole blog thing will work for me.

Returning to the story; I was sitting at Felini, watching the many couples and families eat when I notice there are a few people eating by themselves. I have thought about this often, eating by ones' self, but have never actually attempted it. I have come so close as to getting food at a restaurant, but then in the end I chicken out and usually end up getting it to go. The idea of eating food alone at home, although slightly depressing, comforts me much more than the idea of eating at a restaurant alone. I am not sure why this is, possibly because I think that if I do eat alone at a restaurant, I will be seen as being lonely and depressing by other people, whereas if I eat at home alone I will just see myself as being lonely and depressing, but no one else will know. However, after much consideration and thought, actually fifteen minutes of contemplation while waiting for my friend, I realize that these people may not be lonely and depressed, but possibly enjoying their meal alone. Granted I'm sure that there are some people out there who do eat alone who would much rather be eating with someone, but to my surprise not everyone. Sitting at the table alone, although I knew someone was coming to meet me, was quite nice. It gave me time to contemplate these things which I rarely have time to analyze. These people who, at first glance would appear alone are not alone, but in the long run seem comforted by themselves. I actually came to admire them for their courage and self confidence that it must take to motivate one's self to eat alone.

There are different types of people who eat alone. It is not gender specific, racially determined, or prejudice towards different ethnicities. All walks of life (people that is, I am not a scientist, and do not know if certain animals or insects eat only in groups) eat alone. And not only do various ages and ethnicities eat alone, but also, there are different types of alone eaters. There are those who eat alone and choose to bring a book with them or a newspaper to read. I think if I were ever to start eating alone this is what I would do, to ease into the embarassment, rather then to go cold tofurkey so to speak. There are those who talk on their cell phones, so in a sense they are not alone, but talking to someone who just so happens could not be present in the restaurant. In the future maybe there will be virtual dinner dates where you can have a flat screen TV across from you and enjoy a nice meal with someone as you watch them and converse with them via TV. You could even arrange to be eating the same type of food, and maybe family dinners at home could resort to this. It's like a three way call but instead a three way dinner. There are those who are writing or fidgiting with their purses who appear busy and are probably organizing their life in the little time that they have. The writers I suppose could be getting inspiration from being alone like I was. And then there are those who just go to eat alone to enjoy eating alone. They don't need to be doing anything, but just sit there by themselves and eat. I'm sure they are thinking about many things, their lives, other peoples' lives, what they are about to do today, who they are dating, who they want to date, their significant other, and yes you don't have to be alone (relationship wise) to eat alone. These are the people who I thought were lonely but was oh so wrong.

My friend, who showed up after over sleeping, enlightened me on this topic. She eats alone at least once a week. She likes to go to these two specific places and sit at the counter and eat alone. There are times when she will end up talking with the person sitting next to her, but most often it is just her and the plate of food that waits to be consumed. She has a boyfriend and loves him very dearly, but there is that little moment in time where she wants to sit enjoy her meal and not think about anything current that surrounds her. And it is not only something that she does to be free from a relationship for a moment, but it is something she has always done whether in a relationship or not. She likes the routine, the reliability of herself always being there. She doesn't have to worry about whether this person will cancel, or will be late (no harsh feelings towards friend). She doesn't have to be polite when she eats, or wait for the other person to finish before leaving. This is a date with herself. It is something she looks forward to every week. Her eating alone time.

So to all those who eat alone in restaurants I salute you. For your courage and valour. And maybe I too will join those ranks some day now that I have come to realize it is no embarrassment.